RuiRuin

You said and even showed me that I am a strong girl ... but, the facts said the reverse ... I am not as strong as what you made me think  ...
I've cried a lot ... a lot ... at least this days ...
You said I can continue my life after You take me out from the darkness side of my life .. You even showed me how wonderful this life ...
You blessed my days ... You showed me that I could overcome every obstacle ... Yes, I did it ...
But ... Now, all the things that made me think I am a strong girl with a great power given by her God ... were just suddenly distructed by all things that happened in my life ... those things made myself lost its strength and passion .. made me even can sacrifice my own self .. the soul that I already tried to preserve out form depression ... but, now everything leads myself (again) to the hole of depression ...
Things like pray only hold me far from the distruction of myself, but not save me from the dark hole (that thing which tortured me in the past) ...

What more? I even cannot look myself on the mirror ... not anymore ....

I planned to apply for the leader position in a great event of the english club that I joined. I was chosen to be the leader and defeated 2 other applicants. I was really thankful because I felt like I got a trust, a big trust from many people. One months passed and the progress seemed good as in the start line we (coordinators and I) got some money from selling foods in campus. We also ran faster with sufficient plans. Even in the second plenary, we already had a great operational plan. But, the way that God showed to me was not that easy ... Today, 30 days before the day of our event to be held, I got bad news from coordinator of public relation. He said that one of the guest stars that invited, refused to come because of his full schedule.

Another things left are 2 more guest stars do not confirm yet and 1 more will confirm next Monday. It means out of our plan because we have a plan to publish everything next week, but guest stars are not fixed yet. What's more? Sponsors? We get nothing. Money? We have less than what we need. Effort? We've done and have been doing our hardest. Pray? Everyday even we have our promises to the God for the successful of this event to be granted.

Really ... Oh, God ... I should not be like this .. But, even I don't know what to do ... I tried everything, I ignore my lecture, I even only focus on this event ... yet, the way You directed me is so hard ...

If I may do an exchange ... You may just take my soul for the exchange of this event to be success .. or maybe you may just give me ... Aaarrgghhh, I don't know ... really ... the obstacles You gave me are really unpredictable and even the last year event got easier problems ...

Well, honestly ... I still believe that You, The Almighty will eventually make this event success and run smoothly. I expect nothing than the successful of this event, really! But, this event, I mean the core of this event to be conducted is the guest stars, right?! We even already changed our plans of guest stars as none of them are worked.

Oh God, You are the only one who gave me this trust and permission to be a leader. You are the one who directed me to this way. I am not blaming You ... I am thankful, still and always be ... But, I need Your help, God .. I really need You to direct the heart of the guest stars to be willing and able to come as our guest stars ... Just that and the rest I will try to handle it with the pray also ...

I beg You, God ... I even want to pay the cost for this things to be granted .. whatsoever and how much the cost is .. I will surely pay it to You ... if You need one ...

"Is it me?" I'm walking to the mirror "Are you sure that she is me?" I'm looking at a girl who stands still in the mirror.
She just silent.
I stare at her eyes. I try to touch the mirror.
"What are you doing?" She's asking me while her right hand catch my right hand which almost get nearer to the mirror.
I just can't believe it! I can feel her cold hand.
"You will never understand me if you can't reach yourself. You know how I can feel good. You know how to make me back to yourself. But, you always try to let me go. You know we are one until you decided to get me out." She looks so sad.
"Why? Why did you say it? I never did that. I just ... I just try to be an ordinary girl just like another girls."
She looks so shocked.
"Please draw .. please draw again so that I can get into yourself! Please!!! I beg you!!" She suddenly screams.
I still don't understand what's going on, but I know I have to do something.

-The next day-
I'm in my bedroom with an open window that enough to make me easy looking the clouds. Rain starts to fall. I look at my sketch book that I never touch it for some months. No, not like that, actually I ever drew there but some drawings were so bad. I drew some sad and mad expressions. Maybe those were what I really felt.

"Is it okay if I draw again? I never have a good picture to be drawn. I always have sad and mad faces in my imaginations."

I just stay in silence. My bedroom becomes dark because of the rainy day.

..................................................................to be continued.......................................................................


Well, that's just a story .. that was not the real one of myself .. but I really was getting so messed about myself and I just told it to be like that in the story ...
Sorry, if you don't understand about it ^^

Thanks for reading

I just finished packing all of my stuffs for tomorrow. I will go to Purwokerto on 9 AM by a travel car*.  Again, I bring so many stuffs 'till I have to bring 3 bags.

Well, I just don't want to bring them, but I can't even leave them. I need them, really need all of my stuffs. So, I sacrifice to bring all of them tomorrow. I hope there will be a big luggage in the travel car.

My aunt [ she is someone who I call 'mammy' and she just wants to buy me a new laptop -- see my journal 'To Get The New One, I Have To Lose The Old One ' ], nah, she bought me so many things to be brought by me tomorrow. Big thanks and love for you, mammy

By the way, I don't feel happy to go back to Purworkerto, more sad because I have to leave my lovely grandmother here. Uuh, granny, I hope you always get healthy, happiness and long life. Please always wait for me to come back. I pray you for the best everyday.

Yup, it's all I think. I'm so tired so I just can write short journal tonight. I wanna go bed so that I can wake up early. See you!

I had a laptop and it was given from my aunt. That laptop was the old stock and it was just used by my aunt for many years. She gave it to me for my needs in school. I received it with so many thanks to her. Nevertheless, it has a lack.

I don't look only its lack, but the lack is very influential. Although it has a very nice machine, fast loading, and being installed with new programs, but the battery is really bad. It will turn off by itself after being used for 30 minutes even less than it.

Actually, not just the battery, it is very heavy not like the modern laptop that is mild enough to bring. Well, I tolerance enough for using this laptop 'till my aunt (another aunt of mine) who wants to buy me a laptop since she saw my old laptop. Initially, I said that it was no need.

She has been staying in my home for two months and she always order me to accept her kindness. I gave up and told her that I couldn't keep myself using that old laptop anymore. I was just being so patient and ignored my aunt's kindness for buying me a new laptop. Then, I said sorry, really sorry to my old laptop that I had to get the new ones. It just silent, of course, it is just a laptop, no more than just a machine friend of mine.

Well, for saying this, I know .. yeah, I'm so odd, ain't I? But, it's true. I always make friends with my things even gave them names. Haha, I know this is ridiculous but that's me. I really love my things because they always beside me in my bedroom and accompany me when I'm sad, happy, and get mad. Well, forget it, I don't mean to tell you about this odd of my habit, but about the laptop.

Okay, my aunt then contacted my father to give her some prices and specifications of laptops. He then told my aunt who gave me the old laptop about this. She just told me to hold on with the old ones, but she just didn't know how I fought for using the old laptop. I always charged it while using the old laptop. It's not practice, right? I can't bring it even just for browsing in my collage because I have to find somewhere to charge it. So you know, it's so hard to find the place where I can charge my laptop in collage while browsing. Whoa, even in the library, noone charges his/her laptop because collage doesn't provide free electricity. Well, I don't know if your collage provides it, but not my collage.

Tonight, I just got a text message from my father. He said that I had to give my old laptop to my 2nd brother for his need in collage. I don't know why, I just felt like losing something precious. I just realized it a few minutes ago that my old laptop is too precious to me. But, thinking about its lack, I just can give up. I don't make any decision whether buying the new one and losing the old one. I don't know that I have to do an exchange for this. Huaaahh, I'm so confused to decide.

Anyone, could you like to give me a suggestion what to do?